ADHD Masking or Social Learning?
As I’ve learned more about the social learning difficulties that are part of ADHD, I’ve been thinking about the difference between social learning and what is known as “masking” to avoid being different.
If you want to know more about masking, here’s a good overview from VeryWellMind.
It’s true that all beings learn by watching what others do. From that view point, calling this kind of learning “masking” might seem to imply there’s something wrong with this. In truth, learning from others tends to be the primary way we learn.
An important distinction, though, is that masking involves feelings of shame that come from “shoulds.” “You should know already.” Or, “You should be the way we are.” Over time, a result of masking is feeling a loss of identity.
How to be authentic while benefitting from social learning becomes a key question.
The first step to authenticity is claiming yourself as yours. Accepting yourself as a worthy being, as you are. Consider that strengths and weaknesses are identifiable only in a specific context. Finding your personal values, what’s important to you, and lightening up about how you might be different from others can open up a whole new way of relating to differences and “mistakes.”
From a position of strength, you can question the “shoulds,” and those who “should” you. “Why would I want to do that?” Knowing your personal reason, and owning your choices, helps you find strength and identity as you learn from others on your path.
Further, asking others, “How do you do that?” is often hard with ADHD; it might feel like giving up a secret vulnerability. But you might learn that people do similar things in different ways - there is no right way! And you might reduce the time you spend trying to figure something out. So long as you are the one making the choices, you are in charge of you.
In my thinking, masking is a kind of social problem, a problem of relating with others who might not realize that not all people are the same. It’s ok to say, “It seems like that’s easy for you, but it’s hard for me.” If you make behavior choices based on your objectives, you are not masking but taking charge and expressing who you are, with no shame necessary.
ADHD Life Support is the blog of
Susan McGinnis, CALC of ADHD Impact Coaching LLC
Coaching adults with ADHD www.adhdimpactcoaching.com